Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The biggest penis I ever saw.........

In the eighth grade my life changed!  On a Thursday, late in the school year, I entered my sixth period health class with no knowledge of the events that were about to transpire.  

In the room there was a projector set up and the six foot by six foot screen was pulled down in the front of the room.  Our instructor was standing in the corner with an uncomfortable look in her eye.  We all sat down, the bell rang, and our P.E. coach came into the room.

"Hello everyone!  Today we are going to learn about self examinations."  He discussed the need for early detection regarding cancer pertaining to testicles and breasts.  He then asked all the ladies in class to follow our regular teacher to learn about how to perform their own exams.

Once the room was emptied of ladies, he pulled the shades, turned out the light and started the projector.

A man in a doctors coat started speaking about testicle cancer.  As he spoke, the image changed from him, to a man in a shower.  The man was behind frosted glass, but I could see his naked silhouette quite well.  Mind you, this was the eighth grade, my hormones were raging and I was gay.  This was going to be the most awkward moment of my life.  All I could think of was "How will they explain this in the paper?  Eighth grader spontaneously busts into flame as punishment from God for lusting after testicle exam guy!"  I was terrified!  How the hell was I going to cope with this one?  It was the early 80's, and I had on my velour, lifesaver colored polo shirt and skin tight pants.  There was no hiding an erection at all.  Oh, if I had only known I could have prepared.....

As the Doctors voice mumbled on about how to do this exam after a shower when the scrotum is more relaxed, the man in the shower turned off the water.  The naked man then cracked the door open slightly and reached out to grab a towel.  His forearms were large and hairy, and a glimpse of his chest verified he was coated in a pelt of wet fur.  With out the ability to look away, I prayed.  "Oh thank you Lord for the gift I am about to receive, but please do not let me get an erection!  Please!  Please!"

I no longer cared what the Doctor was saying as the shower door swung wide open.  This burly, furry man stepped out of the shower and right up to the camera.  Then, I had my first vision of an adult mans penis close up.  The camera panned in for a close up of his genitals!  The six foot by six foot projector screen was covered with a giant flaccid penis!  It was GIGANTIC, GORGEOUS, GOLIATH and any other g-word you can think of!  Six full feet of penis, all there for me to study!  Oh, I am not worthy, I am not worthy!

With close up continued, this man molested himself in the name of science, as I sat there, unable to move or breathe.  I memorized every cell, every line, every hair that this man boldly shared with the camera.  I was lust ridden, and more then uncomfortably excited!  I was enamored as he rolled his wondrous nuts around in his hands.  His poise, his patience, his talent.  Why he did not win the oscar for this short film I will never know!!!

When finished with his exam, the man let go of his package, and the camera stayed focused for just one moment.  One short moment, of pure manhood, plastered on a six foot canvas, right in front of me.  Oh, My, God!  Heaven.  Then the Doctor came back into frame and continued babbling while the vision of that mans cock stayed etched into my brain.  Before I knew it, the credits were rolling, and stark fear took over!  Here I was, stone erect in a class room filled with other boys, straight boys, dangerous boys.  What was I going to do?  "Please God, it is not that I do not appreciate the greatness of the gift you have just given me, but PLEASE, OH PLEASE make this hard-on go away!"

To my complete relief, our Coach switch out films to another one without turning on the lights.  As I sat there, worried about what sort of film this next one was going to be, I broke out into a cold sweat.  Could I handle another moment of naked male deliciousness?  Would my own penis simply explode from over inflation?  Would I survive this day?

The next film began, and instant relief set in.  In big bold letters, the film boasted "STD's and You!" with a disturbing picture of some haneous, pus filled organ behind it.  That film was more then enough to deflate my problem!

For one full hour, we watched film after film of the atrocities of poor sex choices.  At the end, I was slightly sick to my stomach, and very concerned about how on earth I would ever find a partner not covered in festering welts!  

The lights came on, a glance around the room validated all were in the same sickened state that I was.  Our Coach walked to the front of the class and asked "Are there any questions?"  After a moment of silence, one voice from behind me was able to spit out "How, How will we know it is safe to have sex?".  Coach simply replied "That is why they require blood tests before marriage".  Hmmmmmmm?  So, this man actually thinks that every boy in this room is going to get married before losing his virginity?  Oh, my!

So there it is.  The story of the biggest penis I have ever seen.  Six full feet tall, and every inch a true wonder!  Needless to say, when I got home from school that day, I snuck off to the barn and did some self exams of my own.  In fact, I beat myself like a dirty rug on a clothesline!!!  Oh, and yes, I spent the next couple years ensuring my testicles were cancer free (almost continuously!!!)! 


ab April 8, 2009 at 8:25 AM  

OK 2 comments:

1. Why is it that the PE coach always gets stuck with this chore?

2. You basically watched porn in 8th grade! My version of this class had horribly inadequate pencil drawings. And it was co-ed. Not cool.

Predo April 8, 2009 at 8:50 AM  

Yeah, we were light years ahead of our time! Farmers do it right!!!

Living on the Spit April 8, 2009 at 9:05 AM  

I was in the other room during all of this...darn it all!

See what Pork Tenderloins, SSG and Diggs have started...all these wonderful memories coming back for visits.

Thanks for sharing!!!

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. April 8, 2009 at 10:26 AM  

Oh I remember those days!!

Going through them again right now with Little T!

T April 8, 2009 at 11:44 AM  

You MUST put some sort of disclaimer on positings like these:

CAUTION! Wearing of depends is HIGHLY reccommended due to the fact you will laugh until you pee on yourself!!!

OMG - between SSG, the port tenderloin and now this I'm going to be laughing all the time and getting those "she's lost her mind. Finallly!" looks!

Jason, as himself April 8, 2009 at 8:01 PM  

I did not breathe the entire time I read this post. You LUCK OUT! I would have LOVED a health movie like this! It would have been wayyyy better than the Sears catalog.

Except for that part about everyone possibly noticing your raging chubby. That part would have been terrifying. But, wouldn't you have just covered it with your math book, like you did throughout the whole rest of the day? Or was that just me?

(Sometimes!) Serendipitous Girl April 8, 2009 at 10:14 PM  

Ok, SSG's face is red and she's not sure if it's from BLUSHING or hysterical laughter! My word verification is fantr as in "SSG needs a fan-tr cool herself off."

Oh. My. How you do CRACK ME UP!

Smoochies sunshine!

random thougths April 9, 2009 at 7:56 AM  

I remember 8th grade health class well! Our teacher graded on a curve, and I set the curve on the Sex Ed. part..LOL This was one thing I didn't want to miss... too bad ours wasn't so graphic... AND Jason, I loved the old Sears catalogues too....

Anonymous,  April 9, 2009 at 1:09 PM  

Hmmmm......"Beat myself like a dirty rug on a clothesline". Now that's a phrase that's going to stick with me a long, long, time!

John Dugan November 29, 2014 at 3:19 PM  

Biggest penis, smallest or in between, a bloke needs to take steps to keep it healthy. Using a first class penis health creme (health professionals recommend Man1 Man Oil) on a regular basis can help with common penis health issues.

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