Tuesday, May 26, 2009

And terror comes to call.....

It has dawned on me, that I am about to take the two most influential and important people that have existed on the face of time, to the place I grew up.  The two people whose existence saved me from myself and the hell I escaped from, are about to fly back and see a portion of my previous existence for themselves.  

How significant is the word "fly" from above.  Angels come to mind.

Yes I am excited to reflect upon the good times of my life, but there are moments that come to mind that completely set me into a fit of rage and terror.  Moments from my past.  Moments that Meatloaf sings about....

And when the sun descended and the night arose

I heard my father cursing everyone he knows

He was dangerous and drunk and defeated

And corroded by failure and envy and hate

There were endless winters and my dreams would freeze

Nowhere to hide and no leaves on the trees

And my fathers eyes were blank as he hit me again and again and again and again

I know I still believe he'd never let me leave, I had to run away alone

So many threats and fears, so many wasted years before my life became My own

And though the nightmares should be over

Some of the terrors are still intact

Ill hear that ugly coarse and violent voice

And then he grabs me from behind and then he pulls me back

God forgive me, for if my parents were to make an appearance anywhere near Jimmy or Lil' Deb, I would tear every limb from their bodies followed shortly afterword by one internal organ at a time.  I am no longer a defenseless child.  I am grown up, and now, I have something of value to lose.  If they did decide to show themselves, their suffering will be legendary, even in hell.  I know full well, that Grandpa would never allow either of them to show their pathetic faces with me there, but a tinge of fear still keeps knocking on the door in the back of my mind.

Well, lets get packed!

Last minute jitters, that's all.  Really.


random thougths May 27, 2009 at 6:04 AM  

What strength you have today. It amazes me when I find another that knows some of my hidden pain. Some of this is what prevents me from fully trusting in others. Thanks for sharing, and enjoy the trip.

Anonymous,  May 27, 2009 at 6:29 AM  

Don't worry Love....you're bringing your posse with you and we've got your back.... No harm will come to you-only joy! Lil' Deb

ab May 27, 2009 at 8:23 AM  

We tend to expect the worst as a defense mechanism. So you're ready, and it won't be as bad as you imagine. Have a good trip, I can't wait to hear all about it!

belladella May 27, 2009 at 9:57 AM  

Your fears are so normal and your honesty and openess about it is amazing. I know you will be safe and happy the entire time you are there. No doubt about it.

Frita May 27, 2009 at 2:53 PM  

You are going to have an amazing time... how special for you to share this with those you love. I can't wait to hear about it.

I can understand having those fears for sure. I always boil it down to worst case scenario. They show up...You do have your posse with you and lots more back home giving you strength. You can deal with whatever comes your way.

Safe travels!

The Incredible Woody May 27, 2009 at 5:21 PM  

Safe travels to you, my friend! Sending 'parent free' vibes!!

(Sometimes!) Serendipitous Girl May 27, 2009 at 7:38 PM  

Dude, I said to have fun on your trip before I read this. (SSG smacks herself on the forehead.)

I will be thinking of you the whole time you're gone. Call any time day or night if you need to talk. I know you're in good hands with Jimmy and Deb (and Grandpa)!

Love you!

HalfAsstic.com May 27, 2009 at 10:12 PM  

Predo, don't worry! I get the feeling that grandpa would get to them and "take care of them" before you ever even realized what was happening!
He sounds like a real "go-to guy". ;-)

Living on the Spit May 28, 2009 at 10:26 AM  

I am hoping you have a great trip. That is so wonderful you are sharing it with your real loved ones!!!

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