Friday, January 9, 2009

'Scuse me while I move your scrotum"

Nice title?  I thought todays blog should be about topics in our hospital room.  Here are just a few.

Walking down the hall to an elevator, I hear coming from one of the rooms "Scuse me while I move your scrotum"........That is all I know, and that is enough!

"Nurse, my bed is soaked because my IV is leaking"
Nurse says "Can I get you some more morphine?"

Nurse says "Okay Jimmy, you need to be careful.  This tube (coming from the wall) is six feet long and can get tangled on the arm rest on your bed."  Then places the requested toothbrush by the sink 12 feet away???
Doctor comes in and says "Okay Jimmy, I want you to get up and walk around a little to get things moving"
Jimmy says "How far can I get with six feet of tubing?  Should I just do little bitty circles?  The thorazine shuffle maybe?"

Jimmy said to the Nurse "I just threw up, a lot, and now there is some food stuck in my throat.  Can I have a little water to wash it down?"
Nurse (spoken slowly and loudly like Jimmy is deaf) "You don't have food in there, you have a tube in your throat"
Jimmy replied "I know there is a tube, but I just threw up"
Nurse "but you are breathing!"
Predo "Yes Genius, he is breathing, and he has a tube in his throat, and he has food caught in it because he has been throwing up"
Nurse "The tube prevents him from throwing up"
Chels "Uhm, okay then.  There is food in toilet.  Connection?  Ya think?"

"The hospital is the only place that you are rewarded for farting.  If you pass a solid, they have a party!"

"Did you just fart?"
"Oh, must've been me!"

"I am going to try to go Poo!"
"Need a cigarette?"

"How are you feeling Jimmy?"
"Like a Spider Monkey locked in a canary cage!"

"Hi, I am the Nurse for the next shift.  Are you Jimmy's son?"
Predo says "Oh, we don't get into role playing!"

"Okay Jimmy, I want you to keep track of the times you burp, belch, fart, or poop."
Jimmy said "Great, now I have stage fright!"

"I am going to steal that picture of a bunny and put it in your house!"
"Oh, yeah?  I am going to take a picture of that guys bed pan and put it in your house!"

SSG reliving neighbors arrest "The police said, there is a woman up there, so I opened the blinds and (enacts standing with hands up like in the "freeze position") then I realized it wasn't me so I shut the blinds real quick and went back to spying!"
Chels said " I would totally do that, but with binoculars!"

"Where do I go to check for sperm count?"

"Very nice!  That is very well proportioned.  Quite exceptional.  Impressive!"
"Why thank you, I get that a lot!"

"Do you need help finding a room?"
"Nope, I can see them all over.  There is one, there is another."
"Do you need help finding a particular room?"
"Nope, I know where I am going"
"Are you a patient here?"
"Nope, do you work here?"
"Nope, just passing through!  I was bored at home!"

"Hey Chels, is that some sort of interpretive dance?"
"No, I am reading SSG's blog and I am about to piss my pants!"

"OOO, Fu@k Me!!"
"I usually get dinner first!"

"Chels" says

"Don't mind me, I'm just going to go in there for a second.  Do you have any matches?  Never mind, I will just use my travel spray!"

"What does an uncircumcised penis look like?"

"I could poo in there for you and tell the Doctor you did it!  Would that help?" 

"Who is HWM?"  Jimmy says "Hung White Male"

"You are such a nice Nurse.  I could never be a Nurse.  I would just say what I feel."  
The Nurse said "you couldn't use tact?"  
Chels said "No actually, one time my cousin asked me if I could use a little tact.  I had to ask him what it was."

"I love that they put this bathroom, right where I needed it!"

"Oh (name removed) is great!  They have the absolute best food.  You will love the menu!  There is NO WHERE ELSE BETTER.  I would kill right now for one of their sliders!  But don't take my word for it.  I am pregnant and will eat anything!"

"They say when you are pregnant, you get constipated.  Constipated?  I go like 5 times a day now!  It is like the never ending urge!  By the way, I am going to go poop again.  You guys make some noise."

To a male Nurse she plainly says "What do you think about circumcision?"


(Sometimes!) Serendipitous Girl January 10, 2009 at 2:55 AM  

Dude, Chels makes me PEE MY PANTS. She's like a one woman show--that baby is going to come out of there doing stand up.

It's 3 a.m. SSG can't sleep, she had too much fun today. Which is weird, considering POOR JIMMY IS IN THE HOSPITAL. Laughter IS the best medicine though, right?

Dude, and we HAVE had some dinner ... just sayin'.

See you tomorrow.


Unknown January 10, 2009 at 4:18 AM  

funny, funny post!!!!

I loved what you said about you not into role playing...that was classic.

HWM...funny stuff and I am sure he would prefer WHWM, but it stands for Hard Working man.


Hope Jimmy is feeling better.


Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. January 10, 2009 at 4:55 AM  

Well I am sorry I missed that party! When is the next one?

I hope Jimmy gets home soon.
Thanks for keeping us posted!

Love U

Molly January 10, 2009 at 5:40 AM  

Hope you're all home soon. That hospital sounds like a funny farm!

random thougths January 10, 2009 at 6:52 AM  

Your hospital sounds too much like our local. Pain meds? Why would you need those? You only had back surgery....Ohhh... you mean when that bag is full of pee I am supposed to empty it? And they wonder why it has the nickname 'Death Valley'? Great Post...

Anonymous,  January 10, 2009 at 8:34 AM  

Dying laughing! Hope everyone is feeling back to normal and out of the hospital soon.
Although you havent made it sound like it was a miserable experience at all...
I feel quite certain next weeks Quip is in here somewhere...

Anonymous,  January 10, 2009 at 2:05 PM  


I plan to accompany NNG to the next Hospital Party. What can we bring? (I make a MEAN taco dip. That would probably help Jimmy go poo.)

Perhaps the writers of Scrubs will see this post and incorporate it into their next season!!! You and the Portland gang will be FAMOUS:)

Get well SOON Jimmy!

TLC Tugger January 11, 2009 at 1:49 PM  

I think US medical people can be forgiven (but not excused) for knowing nothing about the foreskin. Here, in 20 minutes, is more basic info than med school graduates are taught about the normal penis:

Jason, as himself January 11, 2009 at 3:55 PM  

Wow. I'm sorry you're all stuck in the hospital and Jimmy is having a tough time. But it sounds like everyone's sense of humor is intact. These quotes are hysterical!

And thanks for the very original, very funny questions you submitted for my interviews!

Suz Broughton January 13, 2009 at 11:28 PM  

One of your best yet!!!! Have to agree, the role playing one is the best bit.

Lys January 19, 2009 at 6:39 PM  

You know, I'm clearly too far away - I would have smuggled in the Lemon Drops and Gin & Tonics for y'all... not that I've had any experience at doing that *snort*

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