Family ties...

Since going back to Wisconsin twice in the last six months, I have been reconnecting with my family.  It is a little odd for me, not just because of the 20 year time gap, but because I have changed so much in some aspects and very little in others.

The biggest change in me is that I don't feel the urge to hide who I am, or modify myself anymore.  When I was young, I was in the closet about my sexuality, which pretty much kept me very withdrawn and quiet.  My family never really got to know the real me.  Over the last 20 years I have turned full circle.  Now, I am myself all of the time, in big bold technicolor!  I like the person I am and am proud of what I have accomplished.  I think that pride and self esteem has been reflected in my new found relationship with my family.  They can see that I am quite happy, and have developed a strong sense of self worth since we were last together.  They appear to be comfortable with that, and that is good.

On that note, I still have the child like adoration and respect for certain members of my family.  Life in farming is not easy, and these people live with the same dedication and ethics they always had.  I found myself feeling like I did when I was 10 years old in my Grandfathers house.  Those feelings have not changed and probably never will.

My family has changed as well.  I don't know what the cause just yet, but it appears that they have broadened their horizons so to speak.  They have grown in the world of acceptance for some reason, and that is also a good thing.  I still feel a level of the uncomfortable factor at times, but that is to be expected with this type of distance that was created.  My Grandfather has apologized repeatedly to me face to face, but he is not to blame.  In fact, that is another change.

I think that as I have grown older, and fought for the things that I have obtained in life and love, I have become more understanding.  20 years ago, I was filled with anger at the way people thought, or what they expected, but now I understand more about it before making an opinion.  My Grandfather for example, had a different life to lead then I do.  He had is own struggles, which I could not truly comprehend, just as he could not possibly understand mine.  Now, he feels to blame for the passing of time and the pain I went through, but he is not.  My Grandparents and their children (aside from my father) sacrificed a great deal to give me the tools to survive, and they did a wonderful job.  I think the blame lies with my parents, and now, blame has become irrelevant.  I have given 20 years up for my parents to remain in the family, and they have given this gift no respect.  Now, the time is in my hands, and I am going to make up for it.

I have spoken to my Grandfather, and he understands that I am very happy with my life.  He knows I would not change a thing.  He also knows that the love he felt with Grandma is no different then the love I feel for Jimmy.  He may not understand the physical attraction, but he certainly accepts that Jimmy is the center of my entire universe.  How could I ask for more?

I don't know what is in store for the future, but I am slowly regaining a relationship with my family.  This is step one, and it is far more then I ever expected to go!