Sunday, February 8, 2009

Thanks to my Brother!

I received this email from my Aunt.

"You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach
your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod"

I know. Odd email.  However, after laughing, it reminded me of something my Brother taught me when we were young.  It came in very handy once on a bus from Seattle to Portland in 1990.

It was on a Friday, and I was going to take the bus from Seattle to Portland to see Jimmy.  My friend and I went to lunch at taco bell, and he had brought his own hot sauce.  It was something that a co-worker of his had made at home.  We had bean burritos with loads of this very spicy sauce poured in them.  It was very good.  After lunch, we went back to our perspective jobs and diligently returned to working.  

At about 3 in the afternoon, my friend called me.  I answered the phone in my normal professional manner and then he said "Do you have horrible gas?".  I laughed at him and responded that of course I did not.  He then broke into a fit of laughter and said "Oh, you will!  Believe me!  All the guys in my shop are about to throw up!  This is awesome!"  I smirked and let him get back to torturing his co-workers.  As I was reviewing some numbers at my desk, my stomach started to rumble.  I was not in pain, but it was obvious that something very wicked was quickly conjuring within me.  I dismissed the issue as I got off work at 4:00 and needed to get a few things done before heading to the bus.  The rumbles turned to a churning choir of bizarre sounds in my abdomen which actually started to worry me, but again I was in a hurry to meet the train on time.

The same friend picked me up to give me a ride to the bus station, and the entire way the windows were down in his car.  Never mind that it was December and quite cold, but the stench from him was worse to bare then the weather.  It was then that I realized I myself was about to become an instrument of expulsion with regard to putrescent gases.  I could feel the bomb building within me.  A bomb that would emerge in the form of a fart so horrible, so obnoxious, so terroristic that "L" would be unable survive.

Just when I thought I could hold it no more, I told "L" that it was far to cold to keep the window down.  "Fart if you must "L", but I am freezing!  Roll up your window".  Just as the last window was closed, I released longest, most silent flatulence of my life.  With in seconds, all the widows were again down and my friend was driving with his head outside the window!  I had entered the battle, and in one fell swoop, destroyed my competition!

Now this was all fine and dandy.  You know "It's all Fair Play" when it comes to friends, but when I stepped on board that bus, fear caught me right by the scruff of the neck!  Here I was, a walking methane canister, in a controlled and unescapable environment.  This would be dangerous!  Then I remembered my Brother and his words of wisdom.  He had told me many years ago, that if I had gas on the bus, sit behind the seat with the vents under it!  And so I did.

The seat in from of me had a ventilation box under it.  The heat was on which would blow air to the front of the bus.  There are vents on the back of the heater that draw air in from the backside (the side facing me!).  This creates a circulation effect in order to heat the bus.

Needless to say, I was not sure of how this would inevitably work, so I chose to test the theory.  Just out of the bus station, with great focus and control, I was able to "drop a test bomb".  It worked perfectly.  About four seats up, people began looking around at each other and making faces.  After a moment, when everything was back to normal, I allowed the release of another odiferous concoction upon my innocent victims.  This time, the attack waged upon the entire front of the bus.  Those around me were trying to figure out what the problem was.  I should have won the Oscar for my acting ability during this bus ride, because for four hours I was hidden among them and they were unaware of their attacker.  

As the bus arrived in Portland, there was a stampede to escape!  I however was able to step off the bus, empty of all gas......


Suz Broughton February 8, 2009 at 11:39 AM  

Haha! An entire post about gas! Only YOU could make this subject fun to read! So funny. February 8, 2009 at 12:03 PM  

THAT was funny! I laughed out loud several times. You painted a foul smelling picture, Wade!

The Incredible Woody February 8, 2009 at 12:53 PM  

You mean you fart?? I just don't do that.....

Jason, as himself February 8, 2009 at 7:53 PM  

EWWWW! Disgusting!!! But absolutely hilarious.

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. February 9, 2009 at 7:56 AM  

Too funny stinky! I wont say I have had some sbd's in the grocery store myself!

big hair envy February 9, 2009 at 12:27 PM  

I think Jack Bauer could use you in his arsenal!!

Bwahahaha! I'm sorry, farts are STILL funny to me!!!

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