Friday, March 6, 2009

When solicitors call...

I get incredibly irritated when a solicitor calls!  In fact, even if you get our voicemail it states "if you are a solicitor, hang up and do not ever call us again!"

What is the story anyway?  I have registered us on every possible do not call list, we are not in the phone book, and I don't freely give out our number to businesses.  I used to cringe when the phone rang, but now that I have been working swing shift and OT, I simply have gotten evil!

Here are some of the ways I am answering the phone when caller I.D. reflects a solicitor....(sometimes you have to wait for the computer to click the solicitor onto the line...)

I answer -"Are you wearing the outfit I sent you?  Have you been naughty?  (typically silence, then..)

"Uhm, this is Bob from retread tires and I was wondering if you have checked your radials lately?"

          "Actually Bob, I am looking for just the right person to do that for me!  I will need a resume, along with a full frontal color snap shot.  Since we are on the topic of you, what are you wearing right now?"


I answer - "Thank you for calling Hot Man Love, please press one for Hot German Love.......two for Hot Latino Love......three for Hot French Love......."


I answer - "Hello.  Hello?  Hello?  Is there anyone there?  Hello?  Hello?  Who is this please?  Are you there?"  (no matter what they say, I pretend I can't hear them......)


I answer - "Masterbaters Anonymous!  Admitting you have a problem is the first step!  Are you masterbating now?"


I answer very sultry, and in a very deep voice - "What are you wearing?"

"Excuse me?"

I respond "For what, did you fart?"


I pick up the phone but say nothing, just sit there listening, and when they are about to disconnect I breath heavy into the phone.  They typically last about three breathes, then....


I answer - "Meow!"

"Hi, this is Bob with great deals, blah, blah, blah, and I have a special deal for you if you have a moment."

I respond - "Meow!"

"Uhm, is your Mom or Dad there?"

I respond - "Meow!"


I answer - "Oh my, I have been waiting so long for your call!"

"Hello, this is Ferrah Phone Cranky-crank calling about your long distance"

I respond - "That Martha whats her face is such a bitch.  Did you hear what she said last week in quilting class, OMG, she was just so rude.  I have never in my life heard such trash.  And to think that husband of hers, bless his heart, he did not know she was friggid, but then again who did.  Anyway, we were sitting around the quilt, you know talking about politics and such, when she just blurts out that she thinks John Denver should make a new record!  I mean really, the man is dead, how can he make a new record.  Cheese Whiz, I mean lets have some respect for the dead here.....


I answer - "Hello"

"May I speak to the woman of the house?"

I respond "He's at work, what is this about?"


I answer - "Can you hold on for a quick second?" and then set the phone down and go back to sleep.


I answer - "Predo's Pizza, would you like to try our daily special today?"


I answer - "National Do Not Call Directory, how may I assist you?"


My favorite is picking up the phone, but saying nothing.  

"Hello, this is Brad from Window blah blah!"

I respond "Hi Brad, this is Predo.  Do you like spankings?"

"uhm, what?"

I respond "You heard me!"



Anonymous,  March 6, 2009 at 7:53 AM  

these are awesome. I dont get the solicitor calls anymore...but if I did, I would sooo use these.

Lys March 6, 2009 at 8:27 AM  

See, I just don't answer my phone. However, I might need Predo's answering service from time to time ;)

ab March 6, 2009 at 9:37 AM  

These are awesome! My hubby's favorite thing is when solicitors come to the door. Sometimes he acts like a crazy person with turrets, there's random spitting and everything, it's quite the performance. Sometimes he pretends to be the foreign housekeeper, other times he says that he's only 12 and that his mommy is not home. He's 32 and looks 32.

Um...word verification is "inthroat". Naughty.

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. March 6, 2009 at 10:16 AM  

Love them! When I get a call I will say hold on and hit the mute and hang up! Works like a charm!
Please dont tell anyone I work for the phone factory.

belladella March 6, 2009 at 11:58 AM  

I love, love, love these. I don't have a house phone anymore and am so glad I don't.

Have a great weekend!

The Incredible Woody March 6, 2009 at 12:03 PM  

I am printing this out to use as a handy reference sheet!!

And Vinyl Villager - you really need to share the secret to avoiding these calls!?!

Living on the Spit March 7, 2009 at 5:47 AM  

Only cell phones here, but these are wonderful and really made me laugh...which is a great thing.

My Metabolic Rate is Stuck March 7, 2009 at 10:36 AM  

OMG! I was LMAO!
I can't WAIT to use some of your lines! LOVED THEM ALL!!! THANKS :) March 7, 2009 at 8:50 PM  

Perfect! Do you mind if I just make a copy of this and keep by the phone?

(Sometimes!) Serendipitous Girl March 8, 2009 at 3:23 PM  

You crack me up! But for the record, THREE for Hot Frenchman Love please. Merci.

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